Photo by Jack Finnigan on Unsplash

You have met them, you know them, maybe one of them from your work or school, in your circle of friends, could be even you brother (uh, that is scary). Maybe you had a crush on a bad boy, you dated one, you had sex with one (hopefully you did not marry one). They are appealing. They appeal to you with their cool attitude, their self-confidence, the way they do not give a fuck about the world, or mostly, they seem not to. The ones I have met fitted the stereotyped criteria of bad boys, handsome, sexy, with a body that screams I have a commitment with the gym. One of them got even more cliche, he had a rock band and met me with his electric guitar and ragged jeans after his concerts.

Bad boys are the ones who tell you I love you too soon, I even got an ‘Let’s get married’ after three dates, and they seemed so sure, but after when they smile, you get a hint that you can’t, you must not, believe them. Or they create this fantasies of a world when you two are together, and you deeply inside know they are not serious, but you want to buy all of it. And after your intuition, your friends (maybe family, but it is most likely you never get to that phase with the bad boy), and the universe tell you with neon signs that they are bad news, you fell hard for them. Maybe you are looking for excitement, and oh boy, you are gonna get it, a roller-coaster of emotions is going to fill your days. Maybe you watched too much teenager movies about the bad boy turning good because of this sweet, all good, send from heavens, girl. Maybe you are like me, with some self-esteem issues to resolve and the bad boy can push all the right buttons and made you feel special. Anyways, the result is the same, you get high with them, and then you fall and break your heart into little pieces, while they leave riding their motorcycle.

There you are, left with your heart broken and your ego bruised. You call your friends, ashamed, and tell them a story they already know. You wait for the ‘I told you’ but they hug you, give you tissues, make you some tea, buy you ice-cream and hear your bad boy tale. They know they cannot tell you anything besides you deserve better and he was not worth it, maybe they will curse at him, maybe not. But you are not sure you deserve better, you are not sure he is that bad, you are not sure it is not all your fault. It is, but not because you are not that beautiful, smart, funny, carefree, to make him commit to you, it is because you decided to ignore all the red flags and went for it, but who can’t judge you (maybe someone who never fell for a bad boy).

Bad boy left but it haunts you for a while. Maybe you stalk him, block him and unblock him again, maybe you delete his number but sadly you had already memorized it. It takes you a while to stop crying, feel less stupid and recriminate yourself for your bad decisions. Your friends are there, helping you to clean up all the mess in your heart, giving you their love and making you laugh when you want to cry. Slowly you get back on your feet and your heart is healed. You breath and that heaviness is not there anymore. You go out with your girlfriends and flirt with guys. And then, it happens again. You see him in the distance, the specimen you know already. You feel it, you can almost smell the signature cigarette and cologne mix, a bad boy. Your body gets an electrifying reaction, you do not know if you are nervous or excited. Your gut tells you to run but the rest of you body says otherwise. It is up to you (your friends are merely viewers) to decide.

A human being trying to heal and found her own voice. A self-love journey.

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