Home does not feel like home anymore

Maybe I do not belong to any place, maybe this is my soul telling me to discover more. Who knows?

Photo by Philipp Berndt on Unsplash

When I think about home, I think about warmness, coziness and a safe place to be myself, all the feelings that a familiar place brings. Now, as I am writing in my room, I look around and none of these feelings come to me. It is a sad feeling, being at home and feel like I do not belong here.

I came home after five years of living abroad, concretely in South Korea. For a girl from a small town in the south of Ecuador, South Korea was probably the furthest I could go. I left when I was 19, full of dreams and hopes. I came with my main goal accomplished, getting a bachelor degree, but I did not want to come back. What I experienced in South Korea in those five years makes it seem like these are two different worlds, and more than Korea, I miss who I was and the endless possibilities in South Korea.

In South Korea, I fell in love, got my heart broken, made friends that became like family, got my first job, learned how to cook, and the list could go on. I allowed to explore myself in a way I would never do back home, because in a city of millions, who care about what are you doing? That was liberating. I miss that feeling.

I miss living in my small tiny apartment with two other friends. Laughing in the kitchen while drinking wine was one of my favorite things to do. I miss commuting to work and have to pass through Han River every time. The view was breathtaking. I miss the cherry blossoms and picnics in the campus I studied. I miss the all-day open coffee shops with the fastest wi-fi you are ever probably gonna get.

I miss Korea a lot, and it is unfair to compare Korea with home but I feel nostalgic. Being in quarantine since I came back does not help either. I still feel like I do not belong in my own room. I have been decorating again, so it feels mine but I am not there yet. Hopefully when all of this passes and I can go out and walk in the streets of my small city and start to discover my hometown again, I would not feel like an stranger. Maybe I do not belong to any place, maybe this is my soul telling me to discover more. Who knows?

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